She's Not Here
by Thessian Shadow
Summary: Songfic! My spin on Elle's theme from the SH: H Soundtrack. Alex recounts the events in his homecoming, and deals with personal demons along the way. Follows Game Author's Note inside. Rating T for language. UPDATE: Longer than expected!
1. She's Not Here

**She's Not Here**

**A/N:** This is just some random idea I came up with while I was sitting here in Kansas visiting my mom. Anyway, same pairing, though warped. Alex/Margaret.

**Disclaimer:** Song's not mine.

I remember coming home… Seeing the monument to the founding families… Mine was one I hadn't hoped to see. As far as the family is concerned, I am not part of it, and I haven't been. The family I was part of is now gone… I got there, looking at that monument, and she was there.

_Where have you been?__  
__You are a different man..._

Almost immediately, she could tell that I'd changed. There was something about both of us that wasn't quite right. I was being simple, saying I was there for Josh, when really I had no idea why I was there. I had had bizarre dreams about him, and thought that I should come home. That's not the only reason I went back. I needed some human contact…. Now I know why I was so shaken when I saw her… I didn' remember being in that nuthouse, isolated from the world. The entire time I was locked up, I didn't really remember anything, but there was something that stuck in my mind; She was there.

_You disappeared...__  
__And just like that, you're here..._

We stood there, talking…. Shooting the breeze like there was nothing wrong with the world… Too bad there was. She mentioned Elle, and I felt almost guilty. Before leaving I didn't have a chance to say goodbye… Elle would be mad. The odd thing was, that she either acted like she didn't know I was locked up, or she had been brainwashed. Either way, it was like nothing had happened. She did acknowledge that I had come back though. It felt good to really seem like I was wanted…

_So did your time, away from here...__  
__Renew your soul... To make you strong..._

Going home was a hollow homecoming. I went in, and nobody was there. This didn't surprise me, though. My house was always cold. There was never an ounce of warmth or joy. I always was alone. There was nothing I could say or do when I came back downstairs and saw my mother. All the heat in the world couldn't melt that cold stone face of hers. She seemed to be weakened, tired, senseless… I was sharper in my senses, and there was more there to see than ever before. I saw all the anger, hatred, coldness, and rejection in that house that I forced my eayes not to see before. I saw all my things gone, all my pictures gone, and all proof of my existence gone…

_For your return I thought you knew...__  
__It feels good, just holding you._

Going out to the police station, I saw Elle. She hadn't really changed at all, still the splitting image of her mother. We always could tell each other anything, but today was something different. I saw her, but didn't feel the same ties I did when we were kids. Both of us just basically shot our motives at each other. She was putting up flyers for missing people, and I was looking for my brother. We got it out In the open, but I didn't feel her mother's warmth like I used to. It just wasn't there.

_She's gone, I feel...__  
__I think there's something wrong...__  
__Have you seen her?__  
__She's been away too long..._

After hearing about Nora, it all made sense. Elle was looking for her sister, and that was what was tearing her mother's world apart. Nora had been missing since the entire town started dying out. Nothing was going at all well, and th worst part was that the two younger siblings weren't the only ones missing. Joey Bartlett had been missing too, and nobody saw fit to mention this when I said Josh was missing. It makes me wonder if anyone is who they used to be. Everyone was so cold…. Even her.  
Though Elle disappeared in the sewers, I can't say I felt horribly guilty… I had been swimming in guilt since I found out my kid brother was missing. Now I see things as they are. Elle and the others aren't there for my benefit. They are there to show me the consequences of my action or of the action that I didn't take.

_So look around...__  
__This dismal place...__  
__Some things have changed...__  
__What can't be new to them..._

I went back to her office, seeing no one, but there appeared to be a struggle. The chairs that wre orderly were now knocked down and just lying in the floor. They were abandoned, just like this town was… Just like I was. I headed down to Dr. Fitch's office, seeing the man who used to be a hero, now just a broken shell of his former glory. Everything had changed, and this once amazing hero was now nothing but a paranoid lunatic. Following him through his office and the winding Hell Descent, I saw things that I hadn't planned on seeing. When I gave him back Scarlet's doll, he acted like I just handed his dead kid to him. When the monster bit his head off, right after he begged it to forgive him, just like Bartlett before him, it didn't seem like a surprise to him at all. Wheeler had been right, all of them knew a lot more than tey had been teling, which was a big nothing.

_I'm glad you're here.__  
__I see you're well._

Oddly enough, I felt like there was something that kept me here. I knew that I needed to find my brother, but there was something else. All these secrets meant that people were either afraid of the truth, or they were hiding it from me. I knew that since she was missing, that meant Judge Hollway was part of it. She knew more than she was telling. This was what had infuriated me. All these people pretended to care about me, but yet they held something back, not telling me or anyone else the whole truth. I was starting to get a horrible feeling that the two giant and horrific creatures I had seen, the man/tree, and the thing that Doc Fitch mistook for Scarlet, were more than just random monsters. There had to be something to them. The gaping hole that the monster had sank through, and the doll that was in pieces on the floor in Fitch's office… They meant something, but what, I didn't know yet.

_And welcome home...__  
__Embrace your hell._

It was then that I understood that I wasn't just randomly coming home. There was something that led me back here… I remember what Margaret said when we first met… "You know how it is… No one ever really leaves this place…" The quote made sense now. I was brought back to do something, or to uncover something. My problem was finding that something.

Going through Town Hall's basement, I came back through Rose Heights, and entered my home. After getting the attic key, I ucovered just what my Dad didn't want me to know. I saw a letter talking about 'the evil in Silent Hill'. Leaving to confront my mother about it, I realized she was a part of all the lies. I knew that she pretended to care, and that she loved Josh more, but I didn't think she'd purposefully keep me from finding him when he needed me… or so I thought. The freaky shit happened again, causing my world to turn into a rust bucket filled with ficked up creatures and blood. Solving puzzles just to get out of my house answered a few questions. I saw that my mother hid her feelings under a mask of coldness, and that she had really been broken down, toward the end… My father had failed in some duties, and failed to love his family like a true father and husband. The puzzle with the moldy Robbie the Rabbit doll didn't really make sense, except that I knew that all the clocks were supposed to be stopped at 2:06. Curtis actually came in handy, for the first and only time. I felt alone, more than ever before now… Nobody was there. Mom, Dad, Elle, Wheeler, or her.

_In a town hungry for the lonely...__  
__Lost, innocent child...__  
__Forbidden life taken in a moment...__  
__Life, too late for saving..._

Getting out of the house, Elle found me. She was desperate. Apparently she had realized her mother was missing too. This was the one disappearance I didn't understand. Margaret was always straight forward, never mysterious. Now, even she was deceiving me and Elle. I knew that she had the answers…. We had to find her to solve this shit. The problem was, where was she? Where was my mother, and Nora, Josh, and even my father…

_...or just in time._

Turns out, Wheeler was able to get us out of Shepherd's Glen, out onto the lake, but he and Elle were taken by the Order. Now I was alone, and that started feeling normal. It blew anyway, though. I went through Silent Hill, shutting off the power, and finally got Wheeler out of the hell of a cell he was locked up in. We went through the prison, him getting me into Solitary, which was where he heard they were taking a woman. I was too late… Losing my mother to my own damned gun made me want to turn it on myself, but I felt like I still had things to resolve. That and that alone willed me to move out of that hellish otherworld of Solitary. Finding Wheeler, we moved through corridors, and there was still no sign of anyone. Finally reaching the end of the line, there was another door with a valve as a lock, I recognized it as the same type of door outside where Fitch died.

_In my mind, places keep returning...__  
__I still see her smile.__  
__And the dark fear that I am feeling...__  
__Dies once in a while..._

Seeing Judge Holloway restrained was a breaking point. I got sick of all this shit happening. Untying her, I let is slip out of my pocket. The locket Elle had taken fell to the floor, and Margaret saw it. She questioned me on where I had gotten it, and telling her the truth, I thought she was going to have a coronary. The panic and concern in her face was enough to remind me of why I still thought of Shepherd's Glen. There was at least one person there who gave a damn. The next thing I knew, Wheeler was taken away. A beast with multiple arms, hands, and bodies thrown together emerged, setting its sights on my last lifeline. I told her to clear out, and that I would try adnd save Wheeler. That didn't happen. I never fond Wheeler, but I did manage to kill the monster, Asphyxia. It was appropriately nicknamed,, because that's what it died from.

_And as the moon leads me through the madness...__  
__There, standing alone._

Going from the prison to the church, I thought I was walking through hell. The ground was cracked, and there was iintense heat coming from the slits. Worst of all, Josh was sitting there, jst doodling. I approached him again, and all he could do was run from me, into the church. Getting there, I had several things to retrieve, the basic keys to the Order's lair. I even heard a confession from my father. In the end, it didn't matter.

_I feel a breath, coming from the shadows...__  
__Streets, almost alive..._

My father died, being ripped in half by the demon from my dreams. The brutish man had always plagued me as a kid, rippng through all thos people I actually cared about, which was maybe three. Still, he was incredibly real, tearing through my father, like there was nothing to him. My only thanks was that it wasn't my mother who had to die like that. I only oped that neither Elle, her mother, or Wheeler wold die like that either. Descending through the recognizable mine, I came across the same mining gear that those damned soldiers wore. Getting past steam jets, I called the elevator up, and Curtis met me, giving me some lecture on how he was enlightened. By this point, it was no secret that he was with them. As I was about to step off, I felt a white-hot pain shoot through my skull, and saw no more until…

_I heard a sound (I heard a sound!)___

_I heard a voice (I heard a voice!)___

_Why, making a choice? (Why, do you have no choice?)_

The light above me was brutally bright, shining right into my eyes, until my head lolled to the side. Judge Holloway sat there, looking as though she had either been waiting, or she expected me. Either way, it was suspicious. She began explaining about the families' pact with God, and how one child from each family every fifty years was to be sacrificed, so that God would protect the remaining members. It hit me then that Josh was next. I didn't know how wrong I was. I told her that I was worried for Josh, and all she did was laugh. She tole me that Josh wasn't supposed to die, and that my father had failed in his duty. Now they were all paying for his failure. Everything was clear. Josh wasn't supposed to die, I was, but why was Josh missing? This didn't get answered, though. At that point, she and Curtis agreed to end this, before the Order could. Curtis took the circular saw that had been in our garage, and left, whistling as he went. That left the drill.

_I need to know...__  
__I need to know...__  
__I need to know..._

Before she could start, I demanded ansers, begging her to tell me what everyone else had been to afraid or angry to. Before she plunged that drill bit into my leg, I remember her saying that the wrong one had been killed. I had been chosen, and by the other one dying, the pact was broken. The drill destroyed my leg, and there was a look on her face that in all my days I wouldn't be able to read. I forced it out, causing more pain, but ending the initial. Then she headed for my skull, right between my eyes. My hands were free, so I fought back, pushing the drill away, eventually causing it to impale her. It lodged itself into her brain, causing blood to go all over me… I freed my legs, knelt to the floor, and took in the life I had just stolen. The only one I had learned not to be suspicious of was now not here.

_And all these words take me back to my home..._

So now I sit, restrained in a white straight jacket. The doctors come to check on me every now and again. They refill the IVs and force powdered pills down my throat. Shepherd's Glen is just a memory now, a painful one that still haunts me, in my waking dreams. During the day, I'll have two visitors… First, my mother will walk in, and I still se the place where the rack stretched her lifeless body. She will stay for a little while, and I will say nothing, knowing the doctors will come and bring more medication. Then there is another visitor…

_Can I trust who you say that you are?__  
__And who I am now... (And who am I now...?)_

Most days, she'll sit there, looking at me, hoping that I will give some explanation for what happened. Most days, I hear her say she needs me to talk, just to let her know I'm still there. Why should it matter. She's not. I see the blood all over my hands, when I look at her. The blood is an everyday reminder of what I am capable of… How can anyone trust me or want to have any contact with me? I looked at myself, a teen, and now I see myself as one of the hideous monsters that plagued my memories. Still, she sits, hoping I'll say something… anything…

_Too late for me..._

The doctors say I am not improving. They say I have no concept of realty, and that I am living in a dememted and twisted version of the real world. Perhaps I am…. Maybe it is the world I deserve, a world full of corpses, blood, rust, and locked doors. Maybe there is no room for redemption. All I know is that I am sinking into the cold and slippery hands of death…

..._or just in time._

And she's not here…


	2. Race Against My Mind

**Race Against My Mind**

**A/N: **This one is a sequel to "She's Not Here." Didn't think I'd do it, but I think I'll make it a trilogy. This is all hypothetical here. We'll see how it goes. In case some haven't gotten the hospital ending, She's Not Here goes along with it. (Don't shoot Lillian, Forgive Adam, and do whatever with Wheeler to get this ending). Anyway, Here's the story. (Note, this story is in 3rd person, rather than 1st. That was an experiment. ;)

* * *

His eyes fell on the cracked floor, and there was nothing else in the room to divert his attention. Ale had sat there for at least two hours right now, and no nurse had come in, asking whether he was alright, or whether he wanted to talk. This was the highlight of his day. The doctor had already administered the electroshock therapy for the day, and he was simply drowning in the peaceful hours he spent in this room.

_No Visitors today…_

No one had come for the past week to see him. Anyone who did was marred by the nightmarish version that Ale kept seeing. Adam had come to see him the last time, and all Alex could see were the two halves of his body that had been hanging from the makeshift wrack in the church. Lillian hadn't been to see him at all, but how could he blame her? He'd killed her, right? Though she had begged for death, and he had finally given in, Alex still saw the bullet hole in her chest from where he had shot her Elle hadn't shown herself, either. Was she ok? Had all that really happened?

_Well, I'm here and not running from the freaky shit that I saw in… I guess my dream… What is going on? I started out in this dump, and now I'm back in it… Does that mean Josh is here?_

Alex grimaced as the door opened. The inevitable had finally happened. A nurse had finally come in just to check on him.

"Alex, how are you today?"

Her voice was kind, but in a false sense. It sounded like she was biting back a nasty comment. Her false smile and cheery voice were enough to make him want to talk, just to get her off his case.

"Hmmm." Alex groaned feebly. This was enough to get her attention.

"Oh, you talked did you? Good. I'll alert Dr. Copen of your progress." She headed briskly out of the room, and stayed outside for awhile, but in about ten short minutes, a doctor with something of a sinister smile entered the room.

"So Alex, you've decided to finally talk to us now, have you?" Not waiting for him to answer, he pressed on. "Good. Anyone you'd like me to notify?"

Alex took a second to register this. It had been awhile since someone had actually talked to him, and not about him. He looked pointedly at the two pictures on his night table. One was of him and his parents picnicking on the shores of Toluca Lake. It was before Josh was born. He looked happy, but he wasn't. He had finally acted happy to please his parents, who were happy. The other picture was of one of Nora's last birthdays. It had also been taken at the lake. Nora had been in front, surrounded by Elle and Alex, with Margaret behind them. This had been after her husband had left. It was one of the happier moments. The doctor nodded, and left the room. He presumably made a phone call. Alex was left alone again, and the nurse came, changed his clothes, which were old hospital scrubs, and made sure he looked decent, as with every visit. Once she left the room, he started thinking again. It seemed that that was all he ever did anymore.

_What's the doctor telling them? Is he saying that I just had a moment of clarity? Maybe he's just telling them that I made a sound… Either way, they won't come… I should get used to this by now…_

The doctor came back, looking at him with what looked like false sympathy. He simply said "You'll have a visitor, soon." And left. When the door shut, he heard the electronic lock click shut. It felt like a prison here. The next few minutes were spent as the last had been, staring. He heard a distant door creak open, and the sound of heels. At first, he thought of the demon nurses, but that thought quickly vacated his mind when the door opened. The doctor's voice was heard.

"Let us know immediately if he starts acting up. He's been taking less medication lately." The door shut, and eventually, Alex looked up.

_Her again… _

Judge Holloway sat down, looking him over, and he felt a weight lift from his shoulders. When the doctors or nurses or even his father were in the room, he felt like he had something to prove with them. All she would do was wait and watch. This was the most interesting thing. There was no pressure with her. Today, she actually spoke, her voice as calm and actually comforting as he could remember.

"I heard you actually spoke today." Her eyes sparked, when he slowly nodded. It looked like a reflex, but she took it differently. His eyes roved the room again, stopping on the window. She followed his lead, seeing what looked like claw marks. He then looked back at her, trying to raise his hands. The straight jacket prevented that, but it had been put on rather loose, compared to normal fitting.

Giving up on that, he looked directly at her, waiting for something. Whatever that was, she didn't know. A comfortable silence settled between them, causing him to relax even more, and for about twenty minutes, that was all there was, silence. Finally breaking it, Margaret sat up straighter. Her eyes were slightly narrowed, due to the darkness in the room.

"Alex, what is going through your mind right now?" Knowing he wouldn't talk, she simply said this to get it out in the open. Sometimes, that was all she did. Coming here was an outlet. Alex looked somewhat sadly at her, and she could tell he was deep in thought.

_I should say something…. She's come here every day for the past… I don't know months? Why the hell can't I say something, anything?_

Feeling bitter about his own vow of silence, Alex looked for another way to communicate. Finding none, he grunted slightly in frustration.

"What is it? You look frustrated."

_I am frustrated… Here you are, the only one who gives a shit, and I can't even say anything… How screwed up is this?_

Apparently this showed in his eyes, and she nodded in understanding. "You don't have to talk. I get what you're thinking. Your face is like an open book. I wish Elle was that easy these days." The look he gave her was one of concern and question. She went on to explain.

"Elle isn't the cheery girl you remember, Alex. She's gotten bitter since you've been gone. Honestly, I don't know what she's doing or anything anymore." Pausing, she looked at her watch. It took a minute to see the time, due to the darkness and the foggy light coming in from the filthy window. Alex made it out to be 6:02pm. She didn't seem too concerned either.

"Elle hardly comes home anymore. Instead, she stays out and about, working with Wheeler and your father. I don't see the appeal. Wheeler is a believer in aliens and conspiracy theories, and you know how your father is…"

This time, there was no response from him. Alex sat there, looking at a small box like thing on the ceiling. His gaze had been fixed on it since she had started talking the last time. Following him, she saw it.

"A camera?"

He said and did nothing, just stared at it, as though he wanted it to go away. Seeing no recording light on it, Margaret dismissed it.

"It's not working. Looks broken, just like all the rest of this junk."

_Is it true? Are they really not spying on me? I thought they were watching for any sign of improvement. That way they could take me away again into that room where there's no food or water for days… I thought they wanted me to stay…. I guess the way I am… Drugged up and stupid._

He looked back at her, seeing her cell go off. She looked at the caller ID. "Elle." Answering, she stood up, looking around the room, now that the cell's backlight was bright.

"Elle, what is it?"

"Where are you? When are you coming home? Nora is sick."

"How bad is it?"

"Puke bad. She's sicker than-"

"Alright. I'll be headed home soon. Take her to Doctor Fitch's office. I'll meet you there."

"Ok."

Without a 'goodbye', Elle hung up, causing her mother to frown. She turned, seeing Alex look at her.

"Nora's coming down with something. I hope it's not the flu…" She crossed the room, placing a warm hand on his cold shoulder. "I'll be back tomorrow. Don't give up."

He looked up with what apparently looked like 'I won't.' on his face. As her arms went around him, Alex felt a sea of warmth coming from her. The hospital was cold, and this was his only source of comfort, aside from sitting in the sunshine, when the window was clean. It lasted for a minute, then she was gone. He lay back, seeing the ceiling darken with the setting sun. He felt the rock-hard pillow under his head, and just tried to sleep. It eventually came, but not nearly as fast as he hoped.

Elle paced the small reception area of Doc Fitch's office, waiting for her mother, and was finally joined by her about fifteen minutes later. Judge Holloway looked tired, but pleased. Elle questioned her immediately.

"Where have you been?"

"Excuse me?"

"Where have you been? Nora has been feeling crappy for hours. Why don't you let people know where you're going?"

"You're lecturing me, when you fail to let me know where you are, when you'll be home, and what you're doing? What a hypocritical thought."

"Cut the crap, Mom. You're usually the responsible one, but now you're sneaking off every day? Where do you go?"

"It doesn't matter. You're never home anyway. Nora's growing up, and you're already out the door."

"Maybe I wouldn't be, if you were home! You go to work, leave for awhile and disappear from the world, then suddenly you come back when it's almost ten at night! You're never home! I needed you when Alex disappeared, and you weren't there."

"That's where I've been going." Her voice was quiet and even sad. Elle looked at her.

"What?"

"That's right. I've been going there and checking on him. Every day, I've been going."

"Any improvement?" Elle had heard the news that Alex was mentally unstable. She just didn't know how unstable. Her mother nodded slightly.

"Since I've started seeing him, I don't know… Some days, he is there, others he wasn't. Today, he apparently made a noise. That's why I went to see him earlier. They called me."

"And?"

"And he looks alright, doesn't talk, and needs all the attention he can get right now." Margaret walked toward the counter, where Doc Fitch was filling out a prescription. "What's wrong with her?"

"Nora has just got a mild stomach virus. Get her this, and give it to her every six hours, and she'll be fine within a week."

"Thanks. Will do."

"Good day, Margaret."

"You too, Martin." She took Nora's hand, leading her out and back toward home. Remembering Alex' cold body against hers, she felt a twinge of guilt. He was alone, and she was headed home with the girls. It hurt, when it hadn't before. Getting home, she put Nora to bed, giving her the medication once she got it filled, and Elle headed out again. Margaret sat on the couch, watching some newscast, and eventually fell into a light and uneasy sleep.

The next day was spent dealing with paperwork that had been piled up for the last two days. She filed and filled out different forms so much that it didn't really take reading them anymore. She looked at the clock periodically to see just what time she was wasting. Eventually, two came around, and she finished the last form in a sea of about a hundred. Her eyes were tired, and her right hand was near collapsing point. Locking her office door, Margaret headed back out to the house to get the car.

Waking up, Alex grimaced, seeing the bright light coming in through the somewhat cleaned window. Apparently some nurse came and cleaned him up and released him from the straight jacket. The window was cleaned half-assed. Nobody had apparently bothered to bring him to therapy. Looking at the clock, he saw that it was around two. No doctors had come around, waking him up, and just let him sleep. That was odd, considering it was usually like a military base, or like home when it came to daily waking hours. It was the first time the window had been cleaned in a few months, and the light somewhat hurt his eyes. All he had been used to seeing was the dim lights of the hospital, not the sun in half its glory. Alex sat up a little straighter, and looked at the desk beside his bed. A doctor's pad was lying there, with a pen that looked like the cap had been chewed. Taking advantage of no straight jacket, Alex reached over tentatively, getting the pad and paper, and just held it, feeling like there was some hidden freedom in being able to hold something.

Feeling cold, Alex dropped the pad onto his lap, and wrapped his arms around himself. This allowed him to see the nearly black bruise on his right wrist from frequent restraints. Thinking about it, he didn't hear the door open. A nurse came in, looked him over, and gave him a questioning look when she saw he held a pen in his hand.

"What's that you've got there?" She indicated the pen in his hand. He finally realized he hadn't dropped it, and looked down at the pad with a look that plainly said _isn't it obvious?_

"Hmm… Maybe you can communicate that way." She walked out of the room, talking to a doctor outside. Alex heard the voice, and realized it wasn't his doctor. It sounded like the chief of medicine, Doctor Michael Kauffmann. He would come every month or so and see how Alex was doing. Apparently this was some kind of improvement.

"He talked yesterday. Now, he has a pen and paper. I think he's ready to communicate."

"It's possible. See if he communicates with his typical visitor. Then, we'll go from there." Kauffmann looked at Alex through the window in the door, and nodded toward the nurse. "Has he been particularly violent?"

"No. Why?"

"Just as a test, leave the straight jacket off. Let him move around, but keep a sedative handy."

"Alright…" The nurse said this hesitantly, but did as she was asked.

About fifteen minutes later, it was announced that he had a visitor again. As usual, the nurse made sure he looked decent, and walked out of the room. She was replaced by his typical visitor.

"Alex."

_She's back…_

He looked from the open door to her, then down at himself. The question in his head was simple. _Why didn't they put the jacket on me? _This must have registered, because Judge Holloway sat down and started speaking.

"They're keeping it off for now. The doctors want to see how you do on your own."

He thought she must be joking. Why would the doctors want to let him be free to move around? He had to admit though, that he couldn't do much moving around anyway. He hadn't had a good meal in he didn't know how long, so there was no energy to do much anyway. His eyes focused on her phone, which she was turning off.

"Elle has wondered just where I've been going, and I told her last night. She asked about you." Pausing, while the phone was going off, she looked at the clock. It was stopped due to the massive amounts of dust weighing the hands down. Once the backlight had gone off, she turned back to him. "We got into an argument last night, and she brushed me off. I just decided to tell her later, everything that happens here."

Slowly, he nodded, feeling just how stiff his entire body was. Seeing as he hadn't been able to move around, the straight jacket made his muscles stay tight. His eyes stayed locked on her, after having been fixed on the floor, ceiling, walls, and toilet in the corner.

"What are you thinking?"

This was a simple question, but Alex had to stop and think about how to answer. _I can't just talk… I'd sound like some kind of idiot. I haven't spoken in… Hell, I don't know. How can I-_ He thought back to the pad and pen he had found. They were still lying in his lap. Looking up again, he saw the lighting wasn't the best, but it was good enough. Tentatively taking the pen, he looked at the paper, trying to sum up his thoughts into one or two phrases. He finally settled for one.

_Josh._

Looking down at that one word spoke volumes for her. Joshua had been a hot topic around town lately. Adam and Lillian had managed to have the sacrificial plate changed. They had used Joshua as the sacrifice, and it took all Adam had to do it. Lillian had been one of the key persuaders of it, though.

"Joshua, huh?" She paused, seeing him nod. "Is that what's bothered you this whole time?" His answer didn't come too quick. He took time to really think about this. Joshua hadn't directly impacted his thoughts, but his death had caused the rather complex dream he had been having every night for the past months. Finally deciding on a way to convey this, he started writing. The script was shaky, but otherwise readable.

_I had a dream thinking I could save him._

"What happened in this dream? What did you learn from it?"

_I couldn't bring him back. He was dead, I did it, and I had to pay for what I did._

"How do you mean, pay for what you did?"

Again, he really had to think. This was getting annoying, and it was written all over his face. He wanted to just talk, but he couldn't will himself to do it. Deciding to try and focus his fear and punisher into one being, one came to mind. He started doing a slight drawing. His hand shook, but she was starting to make out the tall and fearsome creature. It was one that had been created by the order to scare the shit out of people. He finally got the pyramid helmet done, dropping the script pad.

"You were punished by the executioner?" Her voice was deadly calm, though her heart thundered in her chest. Adam had passed the story of the executioner down at some point in Alex and Josh's childhoods, and it had manifested itself from his guilt. "You saw this thing?"

He nodded shakily, still seeing the dirty blade of the great knife going through Adam, ripping him in half. Having met the thing in the hotel, Alex had feared it ever since. He started writing below the sketch.

_Killed Dad in the Order's church, Order killed Mom in prison._

The last line shook her. She had to make sure she had read it right, before looking up at him, color draining from her face.

_Curtis almost killed Elle, and I killed you._

"What?" It took reading the line again to really get what he had written. She stared at him blankly. "Curtis almost killed Elle… and-"

"I killed you…"

* * *

**A/N 2:** Darker Than My Memory is the last step in the trilogy. It will also be written in 3rd person, rather than 1st, like She's Not Here. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this, seeing as I have expanded on the hospital ending a lot. Let me know how I'm doing. Thanks for reading!


	3. Closer to Release

**Closer to Release  
**

**A/N:** Thought this was going to be a trilogy, but it turns out that I can't fit it all into three chapters. Looks like I'll be expanding on this… Anyway, here's where he is released from the hospital. Just what kind of world will he find?

* * *

Those were the only words he said. They were not cold, but simple. Frankly, it scared her to hear them. A few minutes after he spoke, Dr. Kaufmann entered, seeing that he had written, drawn, and showed his thoughts. He sat down in the corner of the room, looking directly at Alex.

"Alex, do you know why you're here?" Getting a nod for a response, he continued. "Alright. Do you know what you did wrong?" Again, he received a nod. "Good. Well, you wrote that you were punished. What did you mean?"

Alex thought for a moment, taking the top sheet off the pad, flipping it over, and writing on the back.

_Mom and Dad had everything taken away when Josh died. My punishment was to lose it all too. They died, she died, Alex pointed to Judge Holloway at this point, and I was alone, until I found Elle._

"And Elle is her daughter?" Getting another nod, the doctor did the same. "Good. The dream you had taught you a lesson, did it?" Alex looked down at the piece of paper again.

It taught me that I couldn't save a kid that was already dead. It showed me the truth.

"Excellent. Then I believe your time here is done. I was hoping for this breakthrough for some time. I'll need you here for a few more days for observation, but other than that, I can authorize the hospital to release you. Do you understand?"

He nodded, causing Kaufmann to actually smile. It looked like he hadn't in a few years. As Kaufmann left the room, he motioned for paperwork to be drafted. "Go ahead and schedule the discharge for Thursday. I'll keep him here for two days, to see just how he is, and then we'll probably release him that day." He paused, while hearing the nurse outside, the one that was actually nice to Alex, confirming what he was saying. "Thank you, Lisa."

Re-entering the room briefly, Kaufmann addressed both patient and visitor. "You'll be monitored with him for the rest of your visit, and Alex, you'll remain here for two more days for observation by me personally. I think you're practically ready to be discharged. How's that sound?"

No response verbally, but Alex did nod in the positive. There was a faint look of hope on his face. He sat there, looking from him to her, then back.

_Would they really let me out? All this time, all this crap, and they might let me out? What about Josh? What about Mom? They haven't come to see me… Do they care?_

Lost in thought, he nearly missed Kaufmann's short conversation with Judge Holloway.

"Has his mother been coming to see him?"

"She came a few times. It's been pretty hard on her. Adam isn't making it easier. He still refuses to see his son."

"See if you can get her in here. I need to see how he reacts with her, so I can have a good idea of who to release him to."

"I'll do my best. I'll try to convince her to come tomorrow."

"Good. I just need to do this as a formality. I thin it would be easier for all parties involved if he were released to you, but maybe it will do some good to have Mr. Shepherd confronted with Alex. Then again, I don't want to start a war."

"I think you're right. He should go home to interact with his mother. She cares for him. Adam is in denial. He thinks his son is lost and a basketcase."

"Clearly, he is as sane and remorseful as a normal human being. There's nothing wrong with him."

"I know, his mother knows, and you know. Adam is simply looking for an excuse to stay separated from Alex."

"Then going home is a good option, at least for a little while, to see how his father reacts." Kaufmann left the room again. The rest of the afternoon was quiet, with a few questions and answers. Nothing major was said or written down. Alex decided to broach the subject about the confrontation in the Order's lair on a later date. Going with that thought, the closest he got was writing down that Elle had survived Curtis, because Alex had shot him.

"What was Curtis doing? What was he going to do?"

_You don't want to know…_

The rest of the hour was silent. Alex was feeling the tension in the air, but he was thankful that they hadn't medicated him today. His usual doctor had stayed away, perhaps at Kaufmann's request. When visiting hours ended, he felt a small wave of sadness wash over him.

_It's only until tomorrow…_

He raised his head, feeling her hand on his shoulder.

"Your mother will be here tomorrow."

Pressing his luck, Alex tested himself, by slowly rising to his feet. Though shaky, he slowly wrapped his arms around her, relishing the feeling of being able to hold someone again. It felt good to just be able to do something on a whim. Usually, they would have sent in a team of doctors and nurses to restrain and flood him with medicine.

"I'm sorry…"

His voice was quiet, but it was still there. She didn't have time to see just why he apologized, because a doctor came in, announcing that visiting hours were up. Alex released her, and sat back down, feeling somewhat tired. This was the most movement he had done since being admitted to the hospital. While he watched her leave, Alex felt like just falling back and sleeping. His muscles were not tired, but he felt like his mind was at ease for the first time in the entire year or so he'd been there. When his back hit the bed, his eyelids started to get heavy. That usually happened, but this time, sleep quickly took Alex. He didn't even care that he slept through dinner. His food was brought in, and was taken out an hour later, by the nurse called Lisa. Kaufmann had changed nurses on him. The red-head was gone. She had gotten a new patient apparently. She slipped out of the room, informing Kaufmann of Alex' status.

"He's asleep. Anything you want done?"

"No. Let him sleep. It's been awhile since he's slept peacefully. I was just reading Copen's report. Looks like Alex was very sleep deprived on every incident. His reports suggest abuse of the electroshock therapy. I don't like how this is looking, Lisa."

"Was there any damage?"

"It doesn't look like there is. I'll have a scan done tomorrow before visiting hours. We'll see exactly if there was anything wrong. However, I haven't seen anything. He's just a little tentative about talking. That is understandable, since they put him in isolation, when and if he talked or showed any sign of progress. This is why his contract and position were terminated as of two hours ago. As of now, I am his primary."

"That's probably the best thing for him right now. He needs a doctor he can trust."

"True, but will trust be enough?" Kaufmann retreated to his office, wanting to look over Alex' file in full detail. He felt concerned that the kid hadn't spoken out against what had happened, but again, the fear of communication was a major issue.

* * *

Meanwhile, Margaret was headed home, when she happened to remember that Lillian still had to be convinced to see her son. Pulling back onto Main Street, she pulled her phone out. Seeing that it was practically dead, from where she had neglected to charge it, Margaret sighed, pulling onto Craven Avenue. Seeing that Adam hadn't returned home, she saw this as a good opportunity to address Lillian about Alex. Getting out of the car, she saw that the woman she was looking for was coming out to meet her.

"How is he?"

"What?" Lillian's eyes narrowed, not in anger, but in focus. The light from the house was brighter than the ailing light of dusk.

"Alex. I know that's where you've been going."

"How?"

"Why else would you go to Silent Hill?"

"Fair enough. He's doing well." She took a second to mentally kick herself. Of course Adam had seen her leave. "He's recovered well, and is asking for you. Dr. Kaufmann suggested that he may be ready for release."

"Really?" There was surprise and almost interest in her voice now. Lillian Shepherd was no fool. She hadn't just followed Adam blindly when he had planned to drown their son. She had been keeping in communication with the doctors at the hospital, behind Adam's back. "Is it possible?"

"Very. He said he wants you to see Alex tomorrow. That way, they can monitor just how he does with an actual family member. He actually talked today."

"Excellent. Adam is working doubles tomorrow, so that will work out well. Visiting hours start just after two, right?"

"Yeah. They start around 2:30."

"Good. I know Adam never expects to see him again, but it will be a welcome change to see Alex home. It's too quiet in the house."

"I know what you mean. Even with Nora around, it's just not the same without Elle. She's making herself more and more distant. I don't know what her problem is."

"Who does with children…? We're parents. We're the last ones to know about the problems of our children. Take mine for instance."

"Very true."

Both women continued talking for a few hours, moving from the carport to the sitting room. Adam came home after awhile, and headed upstairs for a good shower. Their talk went uninterrupted, until Elle called.

"Where are you?"

"At the Shepherds'."Where are you?"

"At home, where you should be."

"What happened now?"

"Dad's back."

"Oh no… I'll be there soon." She turned to Lillian. "I'll have to cut this short. Husband."

"Understood." Lillian watched as Margaret left, feeling Adam's gaze on her from upstairs.

"Adam."

"What were you two talking about?" He slowly made his way down from upstairs, coming to stand beside her. Lillian could already tell he was acting a little off. He was usually confining himself to the bedroom or his hunting room. She turned to look at him. Adam's eyes were tired, and his entire body was relaxed. That was strange in itself.

"You know she's been seeing Alex, right?"

"Yeah…" His eyes darted around the room, looking for an interesting spot of wall. Not finding anything to distract him, he directed his gaze back to Lillian. "I see her leave almost every day. Thought about going myself a time or two…"

"Really?" They moved from in front of the window to the sofa. He sat down, feeling like it could swallow him whole and he wouldn't care. "That's interesting."

"What is?" He sat up a little straighter, to meet her gaze again. It was strange for them to be in the same room anymore, let alone have a conversation. Since Alex had been sent away and Joshua had been sacrificed, Adam had retreated into himself. He would stay late at work, go directly to bed when he got home, and leave early the next day. Even on weekends, he'd find something to occupy his time. "That I want to see my son?"

"No." She placed her hand atop his, which had become a rarity as well. "We were just talking about the possibility of Alex being released."

"What?" The look on his face was priceless. It looked like someone had taken his entire pot of coffee and dumped it on him. His eyes were wide open, and his muscles no longer relaxed. "Is this a joke?"

"No. He has improved." Knowing that this had piqued his curiosity, Lillian sat back, letting Adam steer the conversation. He thought for a few seconds, before speaking again.

"How much has he improved? I mean, is he moving, talking, grunting, what?" There was something akin to excitement in his voice now as well.

"According to Margaret, he's talking and moving now. Not much, but-"

"Still, that's better than the last time I went to see him. He wouldn't even look at me." Adam took a minute to consider something. "It was like they had him so drugged up that he wouldn't have known I was there anyway."

"That's another thing. He's switched doctors. The chief of medicine has taken over. Dr. Kaufmann has suspended his medication for the time being. He doesn't think Alex needs to be doped up anymore. They had the straight jacket off today as well."

"How'd he do?"

"Good. He wrote things down, he talked, and Kaufmann wants me to see him tomorrow. Do you want to go?"

"I've got work…" It wasn't an excuse, but a fact. He did have double shifts tomorrow, but he thought about it. "When are you going?"

"Probably around 2:30. Why?"

"I could take a late lunch and make it long." His tone was hopeful, as if waiting for her approval. He got it.

"Good."

"Good?"

"Yes. I want you to go. It may be good for you to see him on a good day. They were talking about releasing him on Thursday."

"Thursday, really? That seems soon."

"He's made such a drastic recovery. It really looks good for a change."

The two talked for what seemed like another hour, and both finally retired to the bedroom. Lying there, Adam felt like things were slowly going right. He and Lillian fell into a peaceful sleep that night.

* * *

Alex' dreams were full of car rides, walking through his house, and even chasing Elle after stealing her car keys. It was rather pleasant to have no rust or blood in his dreams for once. Waking up from the sound of a car horn in his dream, Alex saw that it was ten o'clock. Realizing he was no longer restrained, he sat up, yawning. The window was still decently clean, allowing for the late morning sun to come in. Testing his boundaries, he slowly stood up, and it felt good to stretch. Having not done that in awhile, Alex felt some of his muscles catch, and he had to slightly jerk them loose. He saw the chair near the window, and made his way toward it. Sitting down, he felt the sun begin to warm him.

Hearing someone moving around, Lisa, the nurse, alerted Dr. Kaufmann. He looked through the window to Alex' room, and saw him sitting in the sun. A slight smile tugged at the stern doctor's lips, as he opened the door. "Good morning, Alex. I see you're up and about today."

Alex looked at him, seeing the slight smile on his face, and relaxed. Kaufmann moved further into the room, observing Alex as he continued to look out the window.

"Alex, I need to ask you some questions. Would that be alright?" Getting a nod for an answer, Kaufmann continued. "Alright. Firstly, how do you feel about being out of the straight jacket?" Thinking back to what he had read in Alex' file, he spoke again. "It's alright to talk. I'm not going to lock you up because you speak aloud. If you just don't feel like talking, here's a pen and paper."

Alex thought about this. While the doctor waited, he ran scenarios in his head. _I need to talk. They are being patient and shit, so I need to talk. What if this guy is just jerking me around? What if I am put back in isolation? Does that mean I won't see my mom today? Damn… _Seeing the patient look on his observer's face, Alex decided to try to talk. He didn't want the guy to feel disappointed if he didn't speak, but he didn't want to get locked up, either.

"Good."

There, he had said it. That one word, and though it was quiet and a little raspy, it had been heard. Kaufmann looked up. "So you feel good about it? Are you angry, or do you get angered easily?"

"No."

"Can you explain why? Your previous doctor noted that light upset you, because you could see where you were. Is that true?"

"No. Don't have anything to be angry about." It was barely over a whisper now. His voice wasn't lasting too long because he hadn't used it in about six months. During his tormenting nightmares, he'd scream and lash out, but afterwards, when he was awake during the day, he was fine. Eventually, the nightmares ended, and he had been silent ever since.

"Good. Now, how do you feel about your father? I know he's come to see you before, and you didn't respond. Any thoughts?"

Deciding to preserve his voice, Alex took the offered pen and paper, starting to write something down; I didn't know he was here. When did he come? I don't remember.

"He came a few months ago. This was when you were still on high levels of medication. Perhaps that had something to do with it. Also, you would have horrid and vivid delusions. Do you remember that?"

It told the truth. He paused, seeing the questioning look on Kaufmann's face. Deciding to elaborate, he continued writing. I learned the truth about my brother that way. It was like a long nightmare that wouldn't let me wake up until it was over.

"I see. So it was a dream that wouldn't let up until you saw the end, being what happened to your brother, Joshua Shepherd?" Receiving a nod, he continued. "Well, there is a possibility that your father will want to come and see you after your mother does. Do you have a problem with that?"

Alex thought about this for a few minutes. All the bitter memories of his father surged forward, reminding him of how cold the man had been. Remembering the dream, Alex took a few minutes to consider his father's position. _"I had to make sure my son never loved me… I was only trying to make things easier for him… and for me…_ These words ran through his head, and in a way, Alex could understand. There was still something of a question, as to his father's real motive, though.

_I want to see him…. I think._

"Good. That shows that you are ready to start to heal. Before they come, I'll need to run a scan on you to see if there is any lasting brain damage from the electroshock therapy. It won't hurt, and there will be no medication involved." He said this so that Alex wouldn't flip out at the thought of more medication. Alex looked like he was thinking, but then nodded. "Good. It will be over before you know it. Care to walk?"

Seeing Alex slowly rise from the chair, he opened the door, motioning for him to go into the hallway. Knowing that the walk would deplete what energy Alex had left, Kaufmann arranged for a wheelchair to be left outside the exam room. Lisa complied, flashing an encouraging smile Alex' way. He returned it with one that was a bit weak, but it was there. Once in the exam room, Alex was asked to lie back, while some sort of helmet was placed on his head. Immediately thinking back to the helmet used in the electroshock therapy, he gave Lisa a worried look. Having read over his file herself per Kaufmann's request, she spoke.

"It's not what you think. We won't do anything that will be painful. This is just the helmet that you'll wear during the scan. No pain, I promise."

Her voice was reassuring. Normally, he was lying back, looking at the light above him, four LED bulbs just glaring down at him, but now he was sitting up, looking at the open door, and Dr. Kaufmann came in.

"Are you ready?" Getting a nod, he started to explain. "Alright. What will happen is this helmet will help us to scan your brain, so that we can detect any signs of brain damage. I'm sure, even with the slightest bit, you'll be released. How's that sound?"

"Good."

As he sat there, Kaufmann motioned for the test to begin. When a switch was pulled, Alex heard a high-pitched sound, like a dog whistle, but at a lower frequency. It lasted a few minutes, and then they removed the helmet. "Alright. That was it."

"Doctor, I'll get him cleaned up, and have a decent meal brought up."

"Excellent. I'll be in my office for a few minutes, and then I'll have the results by the time he's ready. Don't worry; if there is anything, it should be minimal."

Alex nodded as he was being led to the wheelchair. Once seated, he was wheeled to the showers. Getting to a decent-sized one, Lisa locked the wheelchair into place, so that when he tried to get up, he wouldn't have it rolling away. "I'll get you a spare set of clothes. Those look like they've been there awhile. They'll be hanging here. Are you okay to do this by yourself?"

"Should be." Deciding to speak a little, he pulled himself out of the wheelchair. She nodded and left, giving him privacy.

Gripping the entryway to the shower, Alex made it to the wall, pulling off the shirt the hospital had him in. Upon doing so, he felt slight pain. Looking down at his bare chest, he saw what looked like blackened skin. It was too odd to be a bruise, but it hurt nonetheless. He made a mental note to be careful. Looking over the rest of his upper body, he saw more blackened skin. This puzzled him, but Alex knew that he needed to get a move on. Easily dropping the oversized pants, he saw some of the same black skin on his lower extremities. After kicking off the shoes and socks he was wearing, along with his boxers, he stepped into the shower. Pulling the curtain closed, Alex slowly cut the water on, and adjusted it. At first, it was freezing, but eventually, the temperature climbed, getting to a pleasant hot. Seeing a generic bottle of body wash, Alex took it, leaning against the wall for support, and put about five quarters' worth into his hand. Slowly going over his body, he felt as though he were shedding a layer of skin. The dried sweat, everyday dust, and otherwise filthy elements rolled off him, except for the dark colored patches. He figured that they must be burns or bruises.

Finally satisfied, Alex stepped away from the wall, wrenching the shower's water valve, and cut the water off. He then stepped out and onto the floor. The clothes were lying on a shelf to the left of him, and he slowly started re-dressing. Pulling the pants on, he felt his arm catch a little. _Not surprising because I've been still for the last months…_ Pulling the arm through the sleeve of the tee shirt he had just thrown over his head, he pulled the shirt down, allowing his head to go through. Having gotten the shirt and pants on, Alex sat down on the bench, slowly pulling the socks and shoes on that were left for him. Thankfully, the shoes didn't have laces, so he didn't have to fiddle with that. Pulling himself back up, he walked outside the stall, seeing Lisa leaning in the doorway.

"Good, you're finished. Think you can walk?" Getting a strong nod for an answer, she nodded I return, motioning for him to follow her. "Now you can get a decent meal and a few minutes to rest until your mother comes."

_Good… That shower wore me out. I'll get to eat, rest, and eventually go home tomorrow. Didn't think going home would feel so good… _Lost in thought, he didn't hear her next question.

"What do you think you can eat?" He had to really think about this. Having eaten hospital food for awhile, it had been awhile since he had eaten a decent, 'normal' meal. Feeling a little concerned about overdoing it, he came to a decision.

"Ham sandwich."

"Alright. Keeping it light, I see? Good idea. Best not to attempt anything extreme or anything. Are you in any pain? Do you have any questions or concerns?"

"Dark spots." He had to let them know about the places on his skin. If he didn't, they may not let him go, so he said it. Lisa looked at him for a second, trying to figure that out.

"Dark spots?" She watched him move his arm, and when he pulled the sleeve back on the shirt, she saw dark patches near his shoulder. "Oh my… I'll call Dr. Kaufmann. I'm sure it's nothing severe, but I'll have him make sure." They had reached his room, and she left him standing in the doorway. Alex looked around, seeing the room he had spent so much time in over the past year or so, and decided to wait on the bench outside. _Don't want to stay in there all the time…_ Hearing Lisa calling Dr. Kaufmann at the nurse's station, he leaned back against the wall. The hospital was much nicer than in his dream. The walls weren't covered in dust, the lights worked, and there wasn't junk, gurneys, and blood all over the floor. It was a regular, normal, hospital. Hearing a door open not too far away, he turned, seeing the doctor walk out of his office. Kaufmann nodded to a passing nurse, and headed Alex' way. "I have the results of the scan. From what I can tell, there is no damage, lasting anyway, but Lisa said there was something you were unsure about."

Alex nodded, slowly rising, and pulling the sleeve back again, revealing the dark skin. He saw the look on the man's face change from curious to concern._ Is it something bad? Doesn't hurt unless I really stretch the skin… From his look, it is bad…_

"Is that the only place where your skin looks like that?" His tone was not angry, cold, or anything. It was as though he was absorbed in his thoughts. "Or is it all over?" Seeing Alex nod toward the latter, he sighed. "Looks like it is due to the unsafe levels and frequency of the electroshock therapy…. Are you in any pain?"

"No."

"Alright. The places should disappear within about a week or so. Just from where the current must have spread through your body, it has left some burned skin. If you're not in pain, then it must have already passed, and while you were on the medication too. That means you wouldn't feel any pain."

"And he'd be less likely to report it." Lisa said this, coming back upstairs from the lower level.

"True. Oh, and I thought I'd let you know that the man who did all this to you has been terminated and is under investigation by the authorities." Alex relaxed noticeably at this news, and he looked at the clock hanging on the wall. _12:59… _ Seeing his point of interest, Lisa placed a sandwich, chips, and tea onto the table I his room. "I'd bet you're starving."

A slight smile graced Alex' lips, hearing this; it was true, but it was still good to know that he could finally eat something remotely solid. His other doctor practically had him drinking his food, which would make him sick, most days. He sat down on the bed, getting the plate off the tray, and slowly but surely, went to war. The feel of solid food was something he thought he'd never have again, and it was filling, more so than the crap he'd been force-fed before. Going from sandwich to chips and back, there was a semblance e of freedom. _Finally, I can eat what I please… just one more step closer to release…

* * *

_

**A/N 2:** Didn't think I'd go far with this, but it will be longer than expected. Let me kow how it's going. Thanks for all the reviews so far!_  
_


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